Archgnome Druid

The Sexism B-List, Chapter Eye-Vee: TV, winners and losers.

2007-02-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

The Fail:

1. Heroes (NBC)
2006-2007 (Still Running)

Alright, you know what, I'm not even gonna bother with this one, WFA has it covered already. Suffice it to say that it's gotten no better in the past five months, with the female characters all being sexually assaulted or depowered, and at the mecy of the males often as not. matter of fact, I AM going to say something.
One thing
Claire.
She can't properly die.
Well, that's cool, right? That's like Wolverine.
Only without the claws
Or the military training
Or the reflexes.
Or, well, really any special ability other than to sit there and take whatever abuse is heaped upon her with no recourse.
Fantasma-frikkin-gorical.
But I'm ahead of myself. And behind the times. Again, WFA has more on this, but you've probably read it.

2. The A-Team (NBC)
1983-1986

Now it kills me to say this. It really does. I ADORE this show. But this show is one of the most sexist television shows... well, ever.Never will you see a woman strike a man. Never will you see a woman save the day. Never will you see a woman do much of ANYTHING except be a Damsel In Distress a lot. Okay, so once, not through any form of bad-assery but by sheer luck, Amy Allen managed to pull a gun on some airn traffic dudes.
Amy Allen ALSO got booted off the show because George Peppard didn't like having a woman as his co-star.
For that same reason, Tanya Baker never became a credited member of the A-Team.
Oh, and there's the fact that the wimminfolk were always... reporters. Their big contribution, besides occasionally acting opposite Face in a scam, was to tell people about the evil people after the fact. THAT'S heroism for ya.

3. M*A*S*H (Fox)
1972-1983

Another painful admission. I love this show, I really do, but the way women in general are treated by the writers (And by Hawkeye) is a couple steps short of downright repulsive. The entirety of the nurses (Who are rarely if ever named- all are interchangable, apparently) seem to exist only as some sort of abstract way of showing the "need" for sex that the protagonists feel. The exception is, of course, "Hot-Lips" Houlihan. And by that name alone one can see that her characterization isn't much better. Her entire personality is described as cheap, manipulative, and... well... pretty much every negative stereotype about women in existance. Additionally, every male on the show seems perfectly free to take liberties with her, as shown by Henry's goodbye kiss. I think the only thing that made Houlihan
tolerable was the fact that Frank was even more pathetic.

The Win:

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer(WB/UPN) and Angel(WB).
(1996-2003) and (1999-2004)

Alright, now a couple people have taken issue with these shows, simply because a lot of girls get royally screwed over.
Except here's the thing: A lot of EVERYBODY gets screwed over.
The original complaint list can be found here.
The complaint appears to be that aside from the individual "Strong girls" getting their happy endings, every strong woman- woman, referring to the fully grown characters, who aren't, coincidentally, the protagonists- lived a tragic life and died a tragic death.
The condensed version went thus:

Jenny Calendar: Murdered by Angelus.

Joyce Summers: Cancer; died.

Tara Maclay: After being emotionally and sexually abused by Willow* finally asserted herself and became the most stable personality in Sunnydale; promptly shot; died; became catalyst for Willow's world-destroying kick.

Anya: Sliced in half in one-second death scene.

Cordelia Chase: Became possessed; slept with her foster son; got pregnant with evil Jasmine; coma; died.

Lilah Morgan: Possible redemption arc interrupted when she was murdered by evil!Cordelia; beheaded by her lover post-humously.

Fred Burkle: Graduated from "girl"ishness by coming into herself as scientist and lab manager; died when possessed by demon-goddess.

There's just one thing I gotta point out here, and it seems to me bizarre that nobody wants to look at it. And it's that Everything any feminist has objected to in a comic has happened to Xander and/or Spike. Xander is literally raped, and almost killed. He time and again is ensnared by demons who want to have their way with him and then kill him. His only useful contribution to the team seems to be as a motivation for THEM to go out and be heroes. Spike, of course, is sexually and emotionally abused repeatedly, and continues to "love" his abuser. And nobody ever says a word about it. So let's look at a few addditions to this list. The "Strong" men of Buffy.

Angel: Stabbed through the chest. Betrayed by apparently everybody. Tortured in hell for centuries. Forced to make contracts with ultimate evil. Sacrifices any hope of redemption or salvation, as well as his primary motivation through the entire series, in an attempt to bring down an evil partnership. Almost certainly killed in battle.

Xander: Damsel In Distress for nearly the entire run of the show. Almost killed by Buffy. Almost killed by Willow. Almost killed by Spike. Almost killed by Angel. Almost killed by Faith. Almost killed by countless other demons. Has eye gouged out

Spike: Paralyzed from the waist down. Experimented on by scientists. Thrown from top of tall tower. Sexually and emotionally abused by primary love interest. Driven insane. Tormented by ultimate evil. Captured and tortured by ultimate evil. Almost killed by haywire science experiment. Horribly immolated by sunlight. Returns as intangible spirit, only to be attacked and traumatized by another evil spirit. Almost certainly killed in battle.

Oz: Turned into a werewolf. Almost killed by werewolf. Experimented on by evil government scientists. (Remember, this is by far the TAMEST on the list)

Ben: Has body hijacked by evil hell goddess. Strangled by Giles to prevent said hell-goddess from returning.

And of course, one could go into the dozens of nameless victims who were male (And they did outnumber the female victims, who had a marvelous tendency to be rescued) but then that would be splitting hairs. Suffice it to say that it's NOT "Strong women" that Joss has an issue with- I feel relatively certain that the only reason the list of women was longer than the list of men is because women happened to outnumber men in the series.

2. The West Wing (NBC)
1999-2006

What's not to love about this show? It has fewer women, yes. Of the few characters that were recurring throughout the entire show, most were men. This, I think, wasn't because of any amount of "tokenism" but because it just happened to fall that way. And let's look at some of the women we get to see.

Claudia-Jean Cregg- CJ is probably one of the coolest characters in the show. She is one of the only female characters written so as to not be gender-based- that is to say, a man could genuinely want to be like her. (Hell, I know I do.) She's smart, she's funny, she's not afraid to stare down somebody she knows is wrong no matter who they are, and she's genuinely a nice person. It's a refreshing break from the "Women are Competent/Pretty/Nice (Pick two for main character, one if other)" stereotype.

Donnatella Moss- Okay, yeah, she's an underpayed secretary. They know. In fact, they actually make a rather large issue out of the fact that Donna, though not formally educated, is disgustingly overqualified, and manages to get stuck doing half of the work Josh is meant to do because Josh, being an overachiever, can't handle everything he attempts to take on. And of course, by the end of the show she winds up in a much better role than "Secretary to Deputy Chief of Staff" namely that of Chief of Staff itself.

Debbie Langdon- Alright, another secretary. But she's smart, she's funny, she's outright cynical (Which is rare in females written for screen) and she's frequently the only thing keeping the President on the rails. Incidentally, she also raised alpacas. Come on, how can you not love a former alpaca farmer?

Amy Gardner- She's smarter than Josh (an itself fairly uncanny feat) and she is an excellent source of exactly how the liberals use women to get elected before ditching them to tackle other 'more important' issues. The world needs a lot more Amy Gardners, as far as I'm concerned.

Additionally, the show West Wing did call out, on BOTH sides, the disrespect, and even outright contempt, for so-called "Women's issues" and the laws surrounding them.

The Sexism B-List, Chapter the Third- The Cinema, She Is Broken.

2007-02-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

Link ties in with Number Four- it's a discussion on the entire Disney Princess phenomenon at the Girl Wonder forums.

Anyway, the first item on my list

1. Star Wars.
Star Wars has to be the most overt example of gendertyping in popular media, simply because of how popular it is. The characters consist of
The Daring Young Hero
The Dashing Antihero
The Gentle Giant
The Wise Old Master
The Evil Overlord
The Comic Relief, and
The Girl.
Think about it. That's the first trilogy, right there. Princess Leia, the stereotype of inappropriate whining about unpleasant circumstances in life-or-death situations, the commanding, sharp-tongued princess, who becomes soft and feminine when she finally finds live in the form of Han Solo. Come on, it's like every single stereotype rolled into one. And the second trilogy isn't much better. I mean, were there ANY females in the second trilogy?
Oh.
Yeah.
There was.
That pedophile queen, whose entire existance in the second two movies revolved around Anakin.
Oh, and the stripper-Jedi. The Twi'ilek woman? (Twi'ileks, like the species famed for selling its women into bondage as dancers?)
Lovely.

2. Military Comedies.
Down Periscope, Petticoat Junction, Stripes, even the McHale's Navy movie- They're all essentially the same, right? (With the exception of Stripes.) They have a goofball leader protagonist, a few archetypes wearing uniforms, and The Girl. Again. The Girl, who has no defining characte traits other than The Girl, who does "just as well as any man can do"
Only they act like she's the second coming of Jesus Christ when she does whatever it is that "any man can do."
Because god knows, competent women in the military, that just doesn't HAPPEN, right?
And, on top of that, The Girl invariably marries, or at least starts a romantic relationship with, the protagonist.

3. Disney Princess Movies.
This one is, surprisingly, the only one I pulled from WFA, but there's good reason. The reason is, I too find it amazing that these are the role models we give to our children.
Sleeping Beauty: She is the titular character, and the protagonist. He vanquishes the Bad Guy and saves her.
Snow White: She is the titular character, and the protagonist. They (Males) vanquih the Bad Guy, only for Him to come in and save her
Beauty And The Beast: She is a titular character, and the protagonist. He vanquishes the Bad Guy, and she... "saves" (loves) him.
Cinderella: She is the titulat charactar, and the protagonist. He outwits the Bad Guy and saves her.
Well, hm, this is looking weird. I wonder, if we reverse the pattern...
Aladdin: He is the titular character, and the Protagonist. He outwits the Bad Guy, and saved her.
Well there's a distressing trend.
Know what's funny? None of these women do ANYTHING besides moon after the hero and look sparkly. The males do Everything- EVERYTHING- else.
So we get Mulan: She is the titular character, and the protagonist. She defeats the bad Guy, and saves him. ANd of course, her only goal in life ISN'T marrying him.
Niiiiice. I like it. It's a cool idea.
Only one problem.
The toys? The stories? Every single bit of movie-related Merchandise? it's all about her in that formal outfit.
What's the message here, kiddies?
"Women look pretty. Everything else is for men."
There's some positive role-modeling.

4. Lord of the Rings.
There are exactly three (Count 'em, one two three) female characters in the entirey of the Lord of the Rings movies. (Four, perhaps, if you count Rosie Cotton, though she's not really any better.)
Now, Lord of the Rings was written as an epic. In the epic tradition. it does have a fair amount of "Men are buff and manly" in the story, and of course medieval culture did heavily enforce the idea.
That said, somebody want to explain to me why Arwen got more screentime mooning over Aragorn than Frodo did, you know, being the Protagonist?
Or why, for the love of god, they reduced Eowyn- a fucking AMAZON OF HER DAY- to a childish fangirl who only wants to fight because she's crushing on- you guessed it- Aragorn?
Why the only female character with a character beyond "X's Girlfriend" was the elf who only appeared in one or two token scenes per movie, usually in a bit part, that being Galadriel?
Right, Peter Jackson, the book had too much strong independance from the girls, you had to tone it down, it might be too SHOCKING.

5. The Government Agent.
Catchphrase for James Bond and all of his ilk. There were no girls. if there were girls, they were only girls, they were interchangable, faceless, and all hopelessly in love with Bond- even when they were trying to kill him. This might as well be a subset of the military movie. That's all there is to it.

That was only the most overt examples, but I figure this post is long enough.

The Sexism B-List, Chapter the Second: Acknowledgements.

2007-02-02T18:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, well, I'd actually intended to do this first, but forgot. Apparently I'm as dumb as I look.

First and foremost, I thank When Fangirls Attack, who remain as ever my primary source for... well, almost all the stuff on this list. Pretty much everything here is either based on direct links from WFA, or from blogs I discovered on WFA and found intriguing enough to revisit.

Second, I thank Karen Healey and her blog, Girls Read Comics. She's basically the blogger I wish I was more like. Also, despite her blog being comic-oriented and these posts being specifically non-comic-oriented, she's weighed in on a couple of the issues I'm bringing up here, such as the misconceptions about feminism, the relegation of women to sexual objects, and the "Women In Refrigerator" problem.

Third, I thank GirlWonder.Org, and specifically the forums and forum-goers. They've helped shape a lot of the opinions I'm going to share (read: rant) at you over the next couple days. Or weeks, whichever...

Finally, I thank Biting Beaver. She hasn't updated in a while, but when she was, she was one of the best damn feminist bloggers I've ever read.

Alright, so now that I've thanked people, and tackled my Mary-Sue thing, the rest of these posts will be done as categories, namely Movies, Modern TV shows, Older TV shows, Cartoons, Games, and Politics. Each of which will be followed by the least-sexist that I'm familiar with. Bear in mind, these are ALL strictly limited to "What I'm familiar with."

So that's gonna be it, I think. I'll get to work.

The Sexism B-list, Chapter The First: Mary Sues, Gary Stues, and Examples for Yous.

2007-01-30T16:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay, Doctor Seuss I'm not.

Anyway, so I've decided I'm going to go on a bit of a series rant (Since they're all the rage these days) About my Sexism B-list- lists of the worst offenders in Mass Media of sexism, not including comic books. As well, of course, as a few examples of my own favorite NON-sexist mediums.

My first rant, as the more intelligent among you may have guessed, is about the "Mary Sue"- the Super-Speshul-OhMyGodI'mSoPerfect character. The male equivalent, which is used (tellingly) less often, is sometimes referred to as the "Gary-Stu" or "Larry-Stu" or, as I've heard on occasion, "Larry-Lou"

My link, for those that didn't follow it before reading the article, was to a woman who wrote a female protagonist with talents, high intellect, and good looks, not to mention a really nice lifestyle. In other words, she wrote a "Mary-Sue."

I've heard a lot since then about her point: Mary-Sue writers, frequently those who are, like their protagonists, female, and who are more often found amidst fanfiction or personal fiction, recieve a lot of crap. They are accused of blatant wish-fulfillment (Apparently if the character is female and the author is female, the character is actually the author. Curiously, the same is not true of, say, Lucifer in Paradise Lost. And NOBODY accuses Romeo of being an inserted avatar of William Shakespeare.) or of bad writing ability, and their characters are called out as horrendously impractical, implausible, unbelievable, etc. ad nauseum.

The defense, in this case, is that media is rife with figures who are impractically powerful, intelligent, noble, heroic, and simply dripping with gorgeous girls who cannot resist their, as Fred Gallagher would say, "Supah-sexah charm" such as James Bond, Harry Potter, Eragon, et cetera.

Here's my thing:

These guys ARE horrendous characters. I've known it for a while. I can produce posts I made six months ago on various forums, stating how I put Harry Potter through three different Mary-Sue Litmus tests and found him wanting.

I mean, come on. The kid's prophecized to defeat the most powerful dark wizard in like forever, and everybody who doesn't specifically hate him loves him. He has no personality flaws (Except perhaps a disrespect for authority, which, I don't know if Ms. Rowling got this memo, is a character flaw the way a "Tendency to risk his own life to save other people"- another personality trait of harry's- is a character flaw. He has an angsty past, he's an orphan, he comes from an abusive home, AND he's rich. Let's just look at those last two.

Abusive home life.
Rich.

The only two Mary-Sue traits that have ever been thought mutually exclusive, and he has both.

Tell me, somebody, please, why it's so important that he HAS to be rich? Is that vital to some plot point or other? No, it just happened- his parents mysteriously left him a fortune that could buy half of Britain before they died.
And not only that, he has the BESTEST BROOM EVAR. EEEEEVVVVVAAAAAARRRRRRR, do you hear? In fact, they invented an even FASTER broom just so he could get that one instead, because that way he was STILL doing better than EvilRival!Malfoy, who had previously bought the next model up from Harry's broom for his entire team to get onto a quidditch team, since he couldn't get on on his own merits.

Oh, and let's talk about the quidditch thing. About how, in the very first book, for no reason whatsoever, Harry winds up being so good on a broom that he becomes the youngest Quidditch player (In the most important position on the team, of course) in a hundred years.
And winning every match.

And as if that wasn't enough, let's talk about how Harry had to become a Triwizard Champion- in fact, THE Triwizard Champion. You see, it was all part of a complex PLOT! A plot to get Harry to pick up the Triwizard Cup and get teleported to the graveyard!
Wait a minute.

A CUP?

He went through the entire triwizard tournament, getting by sheerly on favoritism and bad-assery in Quidditch, risking life and limb at every turn, because the fake mad-Eye wanted Harry to pick up a god-damn portkey that, as we saw, could just as easily have been made from ANY OLD MOLDY BOOT?

Come ON. As far as excuses to make Harry do shit nobody else his age could do, that was pretty weak. It's a cup. But no, he had to compete in the triwizard tournament, whereupon he fought, not just ANY dragon, but THE OMGBADASSEST dragon. Where he tried, not only to save his assigned person, but ALL the people, which SHOULD have cost him the competition and put him in fourth (And rightly so, he'd be an ass to think Dumbledore would just kill people arbitrarily) and where he not only won the tournament by default, but also should have one just be virtue of getting to the cup first, but had to save Cedric instead because he's OMG ALTRUISTIC.

There's also the fact that he's famous and hates it (Common Mary-Sue trope) he's considered cute, having only two flaws (The scar, and the... uh... messy hair...) and looking "Just like his father except with his mother's eyes"

And that's not all. Virtually every action hero, from The A-Team* to James Bond to Jack Ryan to Knight Rider to Walker from Walker, Texas Ranger to every comic-book superhero that isn't an old dude is described as being super-skilled, really daring, brave, and noble, and if not outright good-looking then at least "Ruggedly handsome"

*The exception being perhaps Murdock. Coincidentally, he's my favorite character, but... anyhoo, he's crazy, infantile, kind of dumpy looking, and can't really do anything well except fly things.

And yeah, I think they're all really badly written characters. I dislike characters like these, and the only "Competent man" I've EVER liked was Harry Harrisons Jim DiGriz- the Stainless Steel Rat. And the only reason I like him is because he's so obviously parodic and lame, and perhaps because his wife is just as or more kick-ass and good at everything than he is- and I don't mean "Sexy, Sexy Danger" either, she doesn't act all limber, sexy, and catlike as she sexes baddies to death, (cough-cough-Mystique-cough,) she just knocks your ass out. Or stabs you. or shoots you. Or whatever. It's so rare to see a woman who doesn't just use high-kicks, daggers, and acrobatics, isn't it?

Anyway, it's interesting to see Eragon on that list. Now, I'm not claiming that Christopher Paolini is the next Tolkien or LeGuin, (You want to talk about stories with Mary-Sues, by the way, check those babies out,) but he doesn't deserve half of the crap he's gotten. For instance, his geography isn't in violation of anything- yeah, he's got a desert right next to an ocean. First of all, check out the Sahara some time. Second of all, it's sandwiched on two sides, coincidentally the two seaward sides, by huge mountain ranges.

But his main character? Yeah, he's powerful, yeah, he's got all that destiny crap, and yeah, he's the "last of some ancient race/group"... but the kid is not a Mary Sue, Gary Stue, or anything of the sort. First of all, the personality. The kid's a dumbass. He's hormonal, whiny, and often morally bankrupt. He tries again and again to attract the attentions of Arya, who, incidentally, is able to beat the shit out of him without breaking a sweat, and again and again he makes a complete ass of himself, as she repeatedly spurns his advances (God I hope that keeps up through the last book. If they wind up together, I'll have lost all respect for him) and the best part? The girl who spurns him isn't some snob, or some bitch, and she isn't already taken, and it isn't just because she's a miserable rotten evil person. It's because she genuinely isn't interested.

Now, bug somebody besides George Lucas for your plots, Paolini, and then you'll lose the "bad-writer" stigma.

Anyway, so yes, I'm the first to admit it's not fair. Male characters are Mary Sues/ Gary Stues all the damn time, and nobody thinks twice about it, but get a girl who's that ohmygod perfect, and suddenly it's shameless wish fulfillment.

Now, I'm going to say something that those of you who've been pleased with me so far might not like to hear.

I don't care, it doesn't excuse the Mary Sues I've seen. Particularly in fandoms.

I am a member of a community where we do, in fact, roast Mary Sues. Specifically, we roast Mary Sues in the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings fandoms. Why? Because I'm sorry, some of them just need to be roasted. They're badly written, unrealistic, and just plain annoying. I'm sorry, doing wandless magic isn't something your character needs to do. Nor is some obscure relationship with a canon character, or some BLATANT one (The number of Sibling sues I've seen is disturbing) and for the love of christ, your character DOES NOT NEED TO BE A METAMORPH OR ANIMAGUS EVERY SINGLE TIME. I'll accept a lot of OCs with questionable abilities or backgrounds- I've made some myself. Bur some things are not important, not necessary, and quite frankly, obnoxious. A witch/wizard who happens to excell at Charms or Defense Against the Dark Arts is one thing. One who's best friends with all the teachers and gets an O on every test is just annoying.

Oh, and one more thing... We do it to the males too. We see some wizard who comes in and for no apparent reason sweeps Hermione, Ginny, AND Luna off their feet (actually happened) some guy who was Sirius Black's estranged son who hapens to ALSO be an Animagus (True story) or some guy who flagrantly dresses like 50 Cent in violation of the dress code and nobody cares because they like him too much (another real one) we'll roast the shit out of him, and good riddance to 'im.

I'd like that to be pointed out. Two wrongs doesn't make a right, just because everybody else is doing it, blah-dee-blah. Yes. Male characters are shameless sues.

Thing is? That's not because those Mary Sues are good characters. It's because those other characters (Aragorn, Bond, Potter) are BAD characters.

All Your Stereotype...

2007-01-13T13:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, wow. See, this is fun. This is FUUUUUNNNNN.

Now at first, I thought perhaps she was over-reacting. A not unnatural assumption, all things considered- many cultured have shown themselves to be unfriendly to Teh Wimmins, and comic books are FAR from an exception, so it's natural to assume that comic book guys might give her guff about her gender.

However, I was willing to believe the purpose was completely innocent at first. After all, if you want to talk assumptions, what the hell would you assume if somebody who was six-four, built like an olympian, and wore a college football jersey with his own name on the back casually mentioned an interest in manga? One might theoretically assume this was the set-up to some cruel joke by the "Popular" or "Not nerdy" to humiliate we of the japanese comics. It is, in fact, natural to establish that she was in fact genuine, as nobody likes to invite cruel sport upon themselves, and I know this from first-hand experience. (The things I've heard shouted at people in line for Comic-Con are HORRENDOUS)

That said, the sympathy for these misguided folk faded once she passed the Three Robin test. (Which up 'til VERY recently I wouldn't have been able to do, by the way...) Leaving ASIDE the fact that "The female doesn't count" as it were, they kept going. THEY KEPT ASKING FOR MORE. That's not asking for credentials, that's looking for a reason to block her from their little oh-so-prestigious club.

No, my friend. She knew a Robin you didn't even think of. She has passed the test! SHE WINS AND YOU LOSE, LITTLE MAN!

And then, of course, even girls who are accepted into the culture? Yes. They DO routinely recieve an appalling level of objectivisation from the male nerdlings. As if, perhaps, they were geeks just for you.

But then, I believe Women In Comics already posted a whole series on that "Not a geek for you" line back in, like, September? October?

Or... not so happy.

2007-01-05T14:50:00.000-05:00

Yeah, y'all didn't think I'd seriously keep a smile on my face for any length of time, did ya?

So now we've got a whole NEW bushel of goodies to try and smuggle past the Big Bad Wolfs in these here woods.

Curing the SHEEP GAY! That's right ladies and gents! Now, we wish to cure SHEEP of the dreaded gay! I don't mean to evoke Godwin's law here or anything, but...
Oh, fuck it, yes, I'm calling Dr. Kevorkian out on this bullshit. This is NO DIFFERENT than trying to eradicate Judaism. And you KNOW this shit wasn't "For science" or any shit like that. No, we want to cure the dreaded Gay in HUMANS, and we know it.
You're not fooling anybody, jackbags.

New and exiting REENACTMENTS OF THE PATRIOT ACT! I'm just waiting for them to try putting god-damn microphone/sensor beacon chips in our brains. Seriously, if they had them, he'd try it. I swear to god, the only good thing about this shit is it gives us knowledge as to exactly HOW much Soviet-esque Big Brotherism he's capable of.

And, of course, headstrong efforts to THROW ALL WE'VE GOT INTO THAT LITTLE PIDDLE OF LAND WE "ACCOMPLISHED" OUR "MISSION" IN THREE YEARS AGO! The man's so afraid to lose face, and so oblivious to the fact that WE ALREADY GOT THE MEMO, that apparently he's willing to sacrifice even MORE American lives just so he doesn't have to back off his guns! Swear to god, do we even have a PRETENSE of pretext for being there anymore? We've long since given up on WMDs, links to Al Quaeda, you know the list... we ran through the whole thing in 2004, I could've sworn. How does he look himself in the face every morning? Swear to god...

And, of course, I hardly need provide a link for the lovely debacle with Saddam's BOTCHED LYNCHING! Now, of course, there's a CIRCULATING VIDEO of the Great And Noble martyr being taunted by ruthless pig-dogs, before they execute him on a holy day
Almost enough to make you forget who's being executed, isn't it? I mean, one has to ask, "US Government, WHY DO YOU LOVE TERRORISTS?"

See, and it's at this point that words begin to fail me. Fuck partisan politics, fuck rational, fuck sane and non-conspiratorial theories. The conspiracies are already coming true, and if you doubt me, PUT A PRINTOUT OF THIS BLOG IN YOUR NEXT LETTER!
That's that I thought.

No, there's no partisan here. I'm done with partisan.

BUSH. IS. WROOOOOOONNNNG!

... And a Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T17:25:00.000-05:00

Well, yeah, It's new year. It's happy. Et cetera.

So, in case you've not heard, Saddam got the axe.

Or noose, as is more accurate.

I'm not gonna lie, I am relieved that he's not in the world anymore.

That said, I have serious, SERIOUS issues with anybody who celebrates this weekend.

I'm of the opinion that when you kill people, it should be because you HAVE to kill people, not just to get your rocks off. Maybe that's just me, but killing shouldn't be a PLEASANT experience no matter how despiccable the one on the recieving end is.

And yet, when I asked WHY people in my graphics design class a couple months back wanted "To take his corpse by the noose and drag it through the streets so kids could kick it" they responded with "What, you think he's innocent"

Excuse me? Where the hell did I say THAT?

Dude's DEAD. He's GONE. That may or may not be a GOOD thing, but seriously, I thought the French Revolution was OVER. Why are we cheering before his severed head like psychotic gladiatorial spectators?

And t gets better, oh yes it does. Because now, Bush is touting Saddam's execution as a TESTAMENT! To the flourishing of democracy in a third-world country!

So, uh, how many months ago did you decide you had the right to put whoever you wanted whereever you wanted whenever you wanted into jail, with no legal representation, no fair trial, and NO CHARGES?
And, by the way, where's the guy who ACTUALLY ordered thirteen people to fly planes into American buildings?

Well, according to Mr. Bush, he's NOT ON THE PRIORITY LIST.

How the hell he keeps even HIS minimal approval rating is beyond me entirely.

Reversal of Fortunes

2006-12-17T15:53:00.000-05:00

Alright, you know what? I'm gonna break tradition and expectation and make TWO POSTS in one day.

Because I'm sick of all the "War on Christmas" bullshit.

Yeah. We DON'T like having to deal with massive icons to your religion in our malls.

We DO think it's a little bit intolerant when our children sing praises to The Lawd Jesus Christ, and if they don't like it they can just "Not participate."

And no, it's NOT hypocritical to say "Tolerance for all" and then not "tolerate" you stuffing your fucking religion down our throats.

And the majority of Christians will not understand this. They'll want to know WHY we can't tolerate their monopoly on the whole damn season. Such a monopoly that an otherwise meaningless insignificant holiday like Chanukkah became a major event just so the Jewish kids wouldn't feel left out. Some of you probably didn't even KNOW that Chanukkah used to be about as important to the religion as, say, Twelfth Night is to Christians.

Passover. Big deal. Rosh Hashanah. Big deal. Yom Kippur. Pretty big deal.

Chanukkah? Not a big deal.

But then the Christians came back to school bragging. "Aw, look, I got this awesome toy for Christmas? What did you get? Oh! Right! Nothing. You're JEWISH!"

So they elevated the closest holiday they could find. Just to make little Jewish boys and girls feel special. That is the power your dogma has- you have begun to fuck with other people's religious significances.

Now, since you can't see this, I'm going to give you a little exercise to try, next time you're feeling open-minded.

Next time you go to the mall, look at that huge-ass Christmas Tree, and imagine instead a twenty-foot statue of Satan.

Next time you hear Christmas music on the radio- or from your schoolchildren- imagine, instead, that this singer (Or this child) is chanting "All Hail Satan! We Love Satan!"

Next time you see a fucking Nativity on the courthouse lawn, imagine instead a mock-up of an altar to Beelzebub.

Or a pentagram instead of those crosses you're all so fond of- OH! WAIT! You already BITCHED at the one soldier who tried that!

HO HO HO, shoes on the other moral foot NOW, assholes!

Don't give ME accusations of hypocrisy. Don't you fucking DARE.

And for the record, yes. I celebrate Christmas. And I like Christmas Music. This shit isn't personal. It's... you know. PERSONAL.

Fuck you, blizzard. Fuck you to HELL.

2006-12-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

I just logged on to World of Warcraft for the first time since October's halloween funness. And there I spied a fun little machine that the christmas goblins had set up. Called the "Winter Wonderland 2X" somethin-or-other.

Anyway, so my male gnome was using it, and what it does, is it puts you into a random gnome fce and either a santa outfit or a little green elf outfit.

At least... if you're male.

The females?

To quote Karen Healey: MOTHERFUCKER!

"Hi, I work for Playboy in my off hours! Teehee!"

... And they don't give you some optional thing. It's not like there's some "Santa's li'l hooker" switch that you pull. Nope, that is the default "If you are female, BIKINI-WEARER ARE YOU" setting, and there's no way around it.

Male= Santa

Female= Playboy, december issue.

No, our society doesn't relegate women to sex objects. Not at ALL.

Mother. Fucker.

Keith Ellison, why do you hate America?

2006-12-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

Wow. I'm impressed.

People are really fucking STUPID.

I particularly love the comments.

"Hey, why not Mein Kampf? It is just as evil.

Yeah, let's have people swear on a book that says God turned Jews into pigs and monkeys?

You know, like the Koran.

Yeah, let's have people swear on a book that says God, even unto this very day, permits sexual slavery.

You know, like the Koran.

Yeah, let's have people swear on a book that tells its adherents to imitate, even unto this very day, the Prophet Mohammed (who had sex with a nine year old).

Yeah, let's have people swear on a book that tells its adherents to subjugate Jews and Christians who live in their lands and force them to pay a tax so they won't get attacked by Muslims (extortion).

You know, like the Koran.

Yeah, let's have people swear on a book that if followed REQUIRES the ultimate destruction of our way of life.

You know, like the Koran."

Huh.

Yeah, let's have our congressmen swear in on a book that says anybody who's not a particular faith will burn in hell for all of eternity.

You know, like the Bible. (And NOT the koran, which contrary to popular belief doesn't care what religion you are, so long as you hold to your convictions, and even that is only one tenet of virtue.)

Let's have our congressmen swear in on a book that promotes the virtual slavery of a woman as her husband's property.

You know, like the Bible.

Let's have our congressmen swear in on a book that tells its followers that they can sin freely as long as they repent for whatever they do regularly.

You know, like the Bible.

Let's have our representatives swear in on a book that says if one's daughter won't marry the man of her father's choosing he can take her to the edge of the village and stone her to death.

You know, like the BIBLE.

Let's have our representatives swear in on a book that promotes virtually every form of intolerance mankind has ever known within its own pages, and upholds the lack of approppriate intolerance as a sin against the Lord Thy God.

You know, like the BIBLE.

I'm willing to provide the exact lines where these things are stated, in the Bible, if they can tell me where in the Koran it said that Mohammed slept with a nine-year-old.

And for the record? You know what, yeah. If they want to get sworn in on the god damn KKK YOUTH INITIATION MANUAL, LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS.

They got elected, so America must want them, and that comes part and parcel.

Me, I'd swear in on a D&D Manual. I mean the OLD school one. (I have my own.)

Or possibly the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

And That's When You Know.

2006-11-18T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I've taken a very important step in my foray into blogdom today. I moderated my comments, something I'd forgotten to do, and thus there was backlog, but amongst them was my first bit of troll-shit.

"hey fem-nazi bitcch, I just saaw a favorite movie of yours, the wickerman. suck my dick and die!!!"

Which I'm assuming translates roughly into this:

"Hey, feminazi bitch! I just saw a favorite movie of yours, the Wickerman. Suck my dick and die!"

I could be wrong, I suppose.

In any case, it amused me a bit. Or, well, a lot.

I mean really.

"hey fem-nazi bitcch,"

I love that assumption. On this blog which I've never posted a gender for in my life, he automatically guesses I'm female. Huh. Well, let's give him this much, the guess was...

Uh...

No, no, nevermind. The guess was wrong. I'm male. Got a Y chromosome and the appropriate anatomical accessories, the whole nine yards.

Oops.

"I just saaw a favorite movie of yours, the wickerman."

See, now I don't even know what the fuck this is supposed to mean. Perhaps if I'd seen the movie it might make more sense.

"suck my dick and die!!!"

Eloquently put.

I assume this fellow must not have compunctions about homnosexuality, though, so at least that's in his favor. A chauvinist, but not a homophobe. How interesting.

VICTOLY! We have VICTOLY!

2006-11-08T01:49:00.000-05:00

I never thought it possible.

I suppose... yeah. Well, it had to come eventually.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a first for this humble little blog...

We have a HAPPY POST!

I have dreamed a dream, where a Democratic majority retakes the House of Representatives! Where in spite of efforts on the parts of almost every Republican agency to cause Democrats to vote Republican, (like paying homeless people less than minimum wage to pass out misleading leaflets insisting that certain Republican candidates are actually Democrats) or to defame the Democratic party (Fox News insisting upon attatching the D label to every republican under scandal repeatedly) or to commit literal fraud (Insisting on high levels of easily-hacked impossible-to-investigate electronic voting machines controlled by Republican countries) we STILL come out ahead in the elections. Where a DEMOCRATIC WOMAN is now the Speaker for the House of Representatives.

And my friends, this dream is REALITY.

And I put forth my jubilant cry: D at last, D at last, thank God Almighty, we are D at last!

Aw, crap, now I have to go find something to be pissed about.

Once you pop, the fun don't stop.

2006-11-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

You know, I keep setting my expectations of the human race incredibly and preposterously low, in the hopes that every surprise they pull will be pleasant.

So it's really, really disheartening whenever I find myself disappointed anyway.

Fo instance, in the state of Maryland, you can have sex with a girl after it's started, and she can't say no. If she does, and you keep going, it's not rape.

Wait one solitary fucking minute, and let me get this straight.

He pulls a "Bucking Bronco" (Telling her after the fact of an STD he may or may not have) and she says no- he can keep going. (Yes, people really do honest-to-god do this. They enjoy when the women try to fight them off. Apparently it feels good in their sick and depraved mind.)

The condom breaks, and she wants him to stop- he can keep going, and she can deal with the little brat kickin around her womb for nine months.

He starts up when she's drunk/passed out, and she sobers up? Well, he already started, and she never objected. NOT RAPE!

She experiences a sudden pain in her back/side/head/whereever the hell? She wants to stop and make sure she's alright? Not 'til he's good and ready, dammit!

But you know, at least then they probably (Hopefully) didn't consider the possibility. But the entire law was made to PREVENT her from changing her mind afterwards. The entire law just to prevent men from having to jerk one out instead of a proper fuck. What. The Blazing. Hell.

And you know what's even better? If she physically removes him, SHE IS GUILTY OF ASSAULT!

That is too fucking much.

Fuck you, Maryland.

Fuck you with a broom handle.

And no telling me to stop until I'm good and god-damn ready.

Comprende?

Ode to a Habean Corpse

2006-10-26T08:38:00.000-05:00

Wow. The bastard finally did it.

The rat wanker can now throw anybody he wants in prison.

And this was PASSED!

Hello, dumbasses! Now he has all the power. If you try to stop him from doing anything, he has the authority to have your ass SHIPPED TO GUANTANAMO AND TORTURED!

Isn't it funny how many people said I was being paranoid when I first compared Bush to Big Brother?

This is America, they said. America will always be free! Nobody could ever take too much power in the Land of Liberty!

He's not going to start a COUP or something! They daid to me, with a straight face, that there was no way Bush could EVER try to steal power, try to sart a dictatorship, anything of the sort.

Well, extract your head from your anus for a few seconds and take a good look.

The man now has unlimited power. I'm not exaggerating. UN. LIMITED. POWER.

"Oh, but Merle" you'll say "All he can do is put people in jail, it's not like he's overthrowing the government. Sure, it's bad, but it's not THAT bad, is it?"

Wrong.

Observe.

I am a president. I kind of enjoy my station, and would in fact be willing to do anything to keep it. (Before you begin bitching, remember that this is A- hypothetical, and B- about what powers he HAS not what powers he WANTS or WILL USE.)

So, here I sit in my nice funky shaped office with a spiffy view of Penn Avenue, and I get a phone call.

Somebody's accusing me of fixing the vote? They have a huge backing? They're calling me out?

Well, shit, we can't have that. Throw them in jail.

What do you mean, what charge? I don't need a charge., get rid of the fucker.

And it continueth thus for a while.

Finally the end of my term comes around. Well, shit, that went way too fast, it's only been eight years!

Hey, I know, I'll pass a law repealing the two-term limit.

Well, now, who's likely to vote against me?

Oh, okay, well, that's one boatload of congressmen out the door. Shoot, guess I'll have to find me some more.

Ah, ut some of THEM won't pass it either. That's okay, we've got room. We can triple-layer bunks in Gitmo, can't we?

There we go. Got 60% of congress willing to repeal the two-term limit. Now I can run next race. YAY!

What's that? Oh, so I have to defeat my opponent? Well, shit, I'll have him thrown in jail the day of the elections. And his runningmate. They won't have a candidate.

Well, lookie there. I just won by default.

What's this? People are calling me out, saying I'm a tyrant?

Well, shoot, I can keep track of that. Threats to national security, after all, let me use wiretaps on every contact they have. So now I can tap three quarters of the phones in the country, three quarters of the e-mail, of the actual mail mail... shoot, that prison's getting full.

Ah, well. I'm sure my buddies at Haliburton will buy another one for me.

So, the military. Hmm. Well, luckily, they are for the most part still loyal to me. They'll obey me. But just in case, let's keep them over in Iraq.

We can get some nice private security to guard our country.

You know. The ones that all work for me.

Yeah. Hey, you know what's cool? I could theoretically threaten anybody in congress with jail-time if they vote against me. Or if they try to tell anybody. Cine I can tap their phones, I'll know before the police will.

Huh. Well that's spiffy. I pretty much control every single branch of the government. So I'm gonna vote to elect myself life-long president.

Well, now, there's people getting angry about that. Now even the MILIRTARY doesn't love me.

Well, those nice privatized security guys can take care of them, no problem. After all, they are enemies of the Galactic Rep- erm, the United States. So much for that.

And hell, long as we have those private security guys, let's take out those pesky democrats. I can give the order. I'll arrest anybody who objects.

Huh. Well, shit, I might as well just crown myself king or something. Since I'm now all-powerful and instated for life, and any who oppose me can be taken and tortured. That's pretty spiffy, right there. Pretty spiffy indeed."

And again, before you bitch at me about whether or not this would happen... I want you to tell me the one thing in that equation that never COULD happen.

He can do anything described in that story right now. Any of it.

I seriously want to be proven wrong, 'cause I damn near piss myself every time I think about it.

Please? Please prove me wrong?

What if I begged?

And what have we here?

2006-10-17T16:56:00.000-05:00

Heh heh heh heh. Isn't that spiffy.

I just got done reading a post on why we must restrict violence in our media. When they say that, of course, they refer to the lyrics of rap stars. 'Cuz, you know, that's one of those things I despise about rap stars- they attempt to exploit an image of violence, and vigilante justice. I'm amazed every time I hear of one of these black kids from frikkin OHIO who then go on to become "gangstas from the ghetto hood, yo G dog."

And before the accusations of racism fly or what have you; you know what? Fuck that. It's not racist, and the behavior I've just described is not "black."

I've seen just as many "white" people do it as "black" people. I happen to know several "black" people, on the other hand, who act 'White."

Which wouldn't annoy me, if it weren't for the fact that the one that involves the legal and proper way to become wealthy and influential, along with education and proper grammar, are considered 'White."

Bullshit. Bull. Shit. We can NEVER FRIKKIN ESCAPE this, can we?

"Black" and "White" themselves are such utter loads of absolute utter 100% pure unadulterated bullshit that has been shipped off, in true George Carlin fashion, to people around the world.

We are not black. We are not white. We are varying shades of pink, tan, brown, and gold. Get the fuck OVER IT!

And before you ask what we're supposed to do, then, to refer to people? Since the pinks and golds and browns and purples are hard to keep straight?

Here's a thought: Don't. It shouldn't matter. Why do we quantify everything by appearance? What would you do if you happened upon a room entirely of men who had brown hair, brown eyes, and white skin (Same essential caucasoid shade) and were similar to description? Would you get out the measuring tapes and get the height? Would you go around saying "You with the roman nose and the cleft chin!" to people?

Ow would you just LEARN THEIR NAMES?

Same with groups. if there's a group that has something in common, how about we start with WHAT they have in common? Other than skin tone?

People keep saying equality is impossible, that we can never eliminate racism/sexism/religious intolerance.

Bullshit. We don't discriminate against people with widow's peaks.

We don't discrminate against people who happen to have a slightly higher eyebrow line than somebody else, do we?

Why not? People with funny eyebrows are just as obvious as black people. More so. But NOBOY CARES. We don't refer to people by those terms.

So their importance diminishes.

Hence the quotations around "Black" or "White." To diminish the severity, and therefore the importance, of the terms.

Which I strive, and always shall strive, to include around these terms in these contexts. I may fail, but if I do, and I see it, I shall repair it.

But I was ranting about injustice.

60 years ago, you know who athletes were? Rich "white" boys who went to college and gave a good ol' ra-ra for the school, shortly before being picked to compete against other white ahtletes for fame and fortune. The others, slightly discouraged, went back to their fallback of being a lawyer or a doctor.

Then, enter the civil rights activists.

Enter these men, these just-as-smart-as-us, just-as-strong-as-us, and just-as-civilized-as-us men, who were denied entry to these sports, and why? Because "Negroes don't need to play no sports. Leave our sports alone, play your own damn sports."

Yeah. They fixed those Klansmen up nicely, instated those nice Brown vs. Board laws which enacted the radical notion that skin color didn't matter a damn.

So, they got to play sports too.

Now you've heard all this. I know it, and you know it. Why the recap?

Because now, that's all "black" children are supposed to DO. They want money? They can try out for the basketball or football locally.

Nevermind the fact that there are only so many communities, each with only five players per team (And possibly five or so back ups) out of an entire city, and then only major cities. Not even considering the fact that those "White" kids ALSO wana be basketball superstars when they grow up.

The difference being?

Well, the difference being that if (Or, given a simple supply-and-demand equation, WHEN) these droves upon droves of college kids lose their dream, they go two different ways. The "white" kids? The rich boys who didn't even need a loan for college? They go back to what their daddies wanted them to do or be. Doctors, lawyers, executives, etc. The "black" kids, who were lucky enough to happen to come across those nice federal aid programs for "black" people?
Well, shit, dude, they've been watching Space Jam their whole lives. Sucks to be them, because that's pretty much all a "black" person is encouraged to do.

So maybe if we encouraged "black" children to become lawyers when they grow up, or doctors, or actors, or- radical concept- whatever they think would be a cool job when they grew up, we wouldn't be so hot to say speaking with such atrocious grammar that first graders correct you was injerently "Black." Maybe it would just be what it really is- stupid. It's not black, it's not white. It's both groups doing it. Both groups look and sound just as stupid while doing it, and hell, maybe if they didn't anyway, we'd have educated people deciding the fate of our country every election.

Terrifying concept, I know.

As far as violence in the media? Yeah, I think it's bad. Not only in itself, but the importance and the acceptance we heap upon it. I've said it before (And been QUOTED!) and I'll say it again:

Violence = Leading cause of death in this country = illegal = fine and dandy. Pg-13, R if it's really bad.

Sex = leading cause of life in this country = natural and perfectly legal biological process = OMG TEH NOES XXX!11!!!

I'm on the girl wonder forums (>>> Subtle referral, guys!) as Merle Whitefire. If you want to check out the THREAD IN QUESTION, you can.

And don't spam, they WILL filter you out before you are noticed. You can't start an uprising so don't bother trying.

Happy klorbaggin' Columbus Day.

2006-10-09T20:13:00.000-05:00

Now, today, when I woke up, I didn't realize it was columbus day. For some reason, I thought it was on the 14th.

When I found out it was, I was distressed, as I view today as a day of mourning, and I remarked that I wished to wear black in proper observance.

(This caused great distress and consternation amongst my peers. Apparently either they've been living under a rock for the last ever, or they don't realize that mass genocide and slavery on an epic scale isn't cool.)

Anyhoo, so if you think Columbus was a hero, was a nice guy at all, discovered America, or (God forbid) discovered that the Earth was round, do a Google search for Christopher Columbus, Amerigo Vespucci, Leif Erikson, and Ptolomey.

But that's not what stokes my ass today. No, sir, I'm upset about something much, much more heinous.

Oh... my... god.

This is how we know that our culture isn't sexist? This steaming pile of garbage?

I don't care if you're for abortion, against abortion, think women are just glorified sex toys, whatever. This is so fucking beyond the line...

Every single person who'se e-mail message was repeated there.

Every single one of them needs my own special brand of treatment.

I'll tell you what I need; it's my new catchphrase, which I christen here:

"Name. Address. Elephant Rifle."

Because oh... my... FUCKING god. Those people need to be killed slowly horribly and painfully. Dirty fucking hypocritical misogynystic bastards, I wish to god THEY'D been aborted. My god.

My personal favorite was the one about being "Brutally raped and strangled to death so you can know what that innocent life felt."

You know, the innocent life with an undeveloped nervous system which will be terminated at the worst using drugs to stop its cells from reproducing?

The one that wouldn't even know the fucking DIFFERENCE?

See, now I'm too angry to make a comment on her truly ironic blog name. That's how pissed off I am at these ratfucks. I get more sarcastic when I'm angry, so once I'm too angry for SARCASM?

Be afraid.

Be very. Fucking. Afraid.

Especially if you're one of those cockpouches who threatened/insulted/attempted to cause the death of Biting Beaver, and gave not a second thought to the man was no more innocent than her.

Guess what, guys? She didn't climb on top of herself and MAKE herself pregnant, and THEN decide to get an abortion.

You know something else, if it wasn't for those "Moral sanctio-whatsifucks" those people push so hard, there wouldn't even be a freaking CELL CLUMP TO ABORT!

No, really.

Names. Addresses. Elephant rifle.

Heil Bitch-ler!

2006-10-05T18:37:00.000-05:00

Wow. I had no idea I could hate somebody the way I hate my Graphic Design teacher right at this moment.

The woman's violated every single culturally acepted practice in the entire public school system. It's INSANE.

INSANE, I TELL YOU!

...Yeah.

2006-10-02T20:04:00.000-05:00

You know how I said this would be a daily deal?

That turned out to be not true. Big fucking surprise there.

Oh, and I'll get this out of the way right now: I cuss. I cuss entirely too much for my own damn good. I swear like a sailor. No, screw that- MY EX-NAVY STEPFATHER yells at me for my language.

Yeah, I should probably cut back on that. I'm not gonna, though.

Lookie Here...

2006-07-14T20:43:00.000-05:00

I gots me a blog! I know, I know, nobody thought it was possible. But, there you are.

Zo! Ve haff vays off makink you read, ya?

Basically, this is gonna be my daily update on the awesomeness (gigglesnort) that is my life. Enjoy, y'all.